I wish I could teleport
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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