I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
