This is not my ceiling
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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