officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
