I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
