god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
