I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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