my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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