you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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