Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
