You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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