my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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