Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
