i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I party with great urgency now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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