theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
