Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
