Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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