I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
