after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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