i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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