I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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