drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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