i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
