so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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