I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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