I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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