After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
