i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Bring me that man meat
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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