Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
