I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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