I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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