highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
