My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
