So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize