Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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