Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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