Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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