So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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