so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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