Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
