shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
