I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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