sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
