Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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