it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
