I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
