i just wanna soil my oats bro
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
