It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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