I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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