I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
3pm strippers are depressing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
