And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
