dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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