I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
